Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
