she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
