but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
