God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
