i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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