A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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