My hand turned me down
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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