I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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