In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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