apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
false alarm, still single
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
