Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
