god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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