Can i not drive my cunt home
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
