I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Randomize
