You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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