Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
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