I faked an abortion last night.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
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