Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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