eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
