just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
