Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
