Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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