flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
