I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
