He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
