I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I had to cum in my sink.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
