I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
