then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Who died my cat blue again?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
