you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
