ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
