did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
