i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
