All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
