Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
