Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
