My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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