I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
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