just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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