Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
