i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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