Your dad touched me again.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
