Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
