her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
