My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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