just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
