i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
