my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I love you. Go after that dick
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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