We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
