The maid of honor just puked.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Randomize
