I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
