rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
